do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
