you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
