so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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