Do you still have your period?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
