Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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