Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
