Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
