11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
