we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
