I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
