I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
