Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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