Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
