Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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