Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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