Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
