Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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