she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
