Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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