When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
