All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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