i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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