Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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