No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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