Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
