I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
