i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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