what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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