The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
