it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
