Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
