"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
