Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
