remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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