you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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