just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
