I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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