mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
