woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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