If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
