If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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