Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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