my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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