Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
