True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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