did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
porn star boner night. come get it.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
