He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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