I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
