sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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