So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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