Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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