i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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