Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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