Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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