If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
