i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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