In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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