R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
