who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
