I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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