This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
